Jokes

1) Never say you got left behind because that is apparently a book series.


2) So, just 2 days ago while on the road again, I saw a car license plate that said: DR FINE 1.

I was like: Someone is toying with my mind.

On the road again is a Country song too.


3) Guys, I just had the most astounding idea for adult baptism.
When someone goes into the water and comes out, what would you throw over their head?
3 Choices.
Dove – Soap.
Dove – Chocolate.
Dove – Bird.
Finally, would you sing like an angel saying: “Ahh.”

I so want to see that on YouTube some day.
Could be an interesting commercial or something.


4) Guys, I have no idea why, but I think there is more than 1 moon at night.
Here are the ones I know of. Full Moon, Half Moon, Honey Moon, Disney Moon, Harvest Moon, and Sailor Moon. 


5) Be careful when doing laundry.
White + Red clothing = Pink.
Then again, there is the Pink Panther and P!nk who is a singer also.


6) Guys, I finally found out what Mr. Trump can be. He can be a trumpet, that is an instrument.


7) Who is better? Hillary Duff, Duffman, or Hillary Clinton?
Duffman is from The Simpsons.
Hillary Duff can sing, plus she is famous for The Lizzie McGuire Show. 


8) When someone says Pie, what do you think of?

– Pie as in apple or pumpkin pie
– Pi as in the movie The Life of Pi.
– Pi as in the numerical value #

– Pie Chart


9) When someone says they got lost.
I think of 2 things.
Either they are nowhere to be found or they been watching the TV Series called Lost.  Go figure.
I honestly don’t understand The Walking Dead show of zombies.
How can the dead walk?


10) How many different asses are there in the world?

There are 6. Here are the ones I know of. Smartass, Dumbass, Jackass, Kansas which is a USA State, and Badass. Then throw in kickass too. Last but not least Renaissance would have made it.


11) Someone asked me once before: “Do you know how to rap?”

I was like: “Do you mean sing or wrap a gift box.” They laughed out loud. 


12) Do dragonflies breathe fire? 


13) Do butterflies make butter? 


14) Do jellyfish make jelly? 


15) So, back in the day when I was 5 and didn’t know much English, I took my scissors during Art Class and cut off the hair on a long haired girl. I was told to have a 20 minute time out for my behavior. We were supposed to use the wig hair to cut and paste onto our paper dolls at that time. It was just that I couldn’t tell the difference between what was real hair versus fake hair. 


16) I remember a time I first went to Target and pulled down the Fire Alarm to see what it would do, somehow out of nowhere came the Store Manager who told me not to do that again. Go figure. 


17) I honestly don’t understand what the “Secret” is behind Victoria’s Secret. 


18) Try this one for size. Ipod, Iphone, Ipad, and IPaid. 


19) When you feel like leaving your car out in the rain, that is known as a FREE CAR WASH. 


20) On Thanksgiving, we sometimes call it as “Turkey Day.” But, what if you left the key behind in the country Turkey, that would be very bad. 


21) So, which months have “brr” in them? September, October, November, and December. 


22) What do you get with a bird, automobile, and a pet? A flying carpet. 


23) What is so hot about a “hotdog?” Is it hotter than any other dog? 


24) Underwear or under where? Which do you prefer? 


25) When someone says “Hi honey” to me, I think of 2 things. Either I am sweet or they are talking about the thing the buzzing bees make. Go figure. 


26) Just because someone said I am lazy doesn’t it make it so and also cause I didn’t stop by the La-Z-Boy furniture store either. Lol.


27) If you are bored, why not play board games with your friends?  See what I did there, huh huh?


28) When you suddenly say you are so hungry, and then realize that Hungary is a country too. Lol.


29) Geez, I wonder who is going to hibernate more this winter season, the Chicago bears or the bears fans or another group of real life bears like polar bears and such, even Brother Bear which was a Disney movie can be added to the mix. Ya’ll see what I did there this time around to prove my point in terms of climate change with a dash of comedy, hmm? 


30) I one time had a teacher called Dr. Sierra, I wanted to rename him as Dr. Sierra Mist after the drink name. 


31) They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But, don’t let it be an Apple Mac PC per day keeps the doctor away, wink wink.  

I can’t stress enough how many brands of apples I have tried, but the best one is the one that makes you burn on the inside. Feel the burn when eating a braeburn apple. 


32) When on stage and someone says: drum roll please, and the drum rolls off the stage. 


33) Anyone cheating behind my back by eating Cheetos? 


34) How can there be gross anatomy when we still have to get through Grey’s Anatomy?


35) That moment when someone tells you to stay focused and then you see a Toyoda Focus.


36) Do you really get checks in Czechoslovakia and pencils in Pennsylvania?


37) Did Romeo have roaming charges when he was in Rome, Italy, or Romania? 


38) When someone says why are you mean to me, say because I think you are average –> 70%.
For the Mathletes out there.


39) When you see a Dell PC or Laptop, I would have said: “Dellicious.” 


40) If asked what was the perfect date, I would have said 4th of July, the day America became free.

Not the day I was born, ha ha!  


41) Does Germany have any germs? 


42) If you want to be fenced in, ask Bill Gates. If you need a job, ask Steve Jobs. 


43) Wife to Husband on radio: “I feel like my husband is like another piece of furniture.”


44) Wife: “Did you get poked on a Monday?”

Husband: No, why?

Wife: Because I recorded Pokemon for you, ha!

Husband: Aha! I knew it, you are always way too ahead of me.

Wife: I know how your brain works before you even say one word.

Husband: And that’s why happy wife = happy life = better hubby by her side.  


45) So, I have an Irish aunty and she tells me the other day while sliding into the car: “I can fit my ass nicely in here.”
I was in the passenger seat and I literally lost my mind and never laughed so badly at that moment. I was looking for a donkey to pass us by at that time. None showed up much to my surprise. 


46) Would there be “jam” in Jamaica? 


47) So, I have an Irish aunty and she tells me the other day while sliding into the car: “I can fit my ass nicely in here.”
I was in the passenger seat and I literally lost my mind and never laughed so badly at that moment.I guess she meant her butt and NOT the donkey for once, ha!


48) Do Scottish people use scotch tape and play hopscotch? 


49) If a lady marries a Dutch man, does that then make her a duchess? 


50) How do I protect myself in the summer, not with a shotgun, but a watergun, if anyone approaches me, I would say: You look sweaty, here have some water free of charge, ha ha! 


51) I do wonder at times which is more fun to be chased around by.
Neighborhood children asking me weird questions or their puppies. 


52) Do people in Tennessee play Tennis? 


53) When you see a Bank Teller by name Jack and pop the question: “So, did you climb the beanstalk today?” He replies: “Twice a day.” Other bank tellers chuckle a bit. 


54) When you need to go rescue an animal in the forest, would you be needing a John Deere vehicle to find Bambi again? 


55) Did Sherlock Holmes use Lifelock on Katie Holmes or did he use a trapezoid? 


56) Did Mr. Bean get stalked by a bean stalk or was he really stalked by Jack or the giant? 


 57) Did Spongebob take any sponge baths? 


58) It’s “easy” to tell who is a Mexican these days, they usually have “Ez” at the end of their Last Name. 


59) Do you think monarch butterflies know anything about a monarchy?


60) Do cats read catalogs or do catering before they become a catastrophe? 


61) If girls are born in France, are they then called as Francine? 


62) A mid wife is not someone that is in the middle of the family is she?


63) I just found out how to win an Oscar, simply buy Lunchables Oscar Meyer.


64) When you see a guy that looks like he might have come out of the Lord of the Rings movie and can’t help but say the famous phrase: “You shall not pass” phrase at him.


65) When you ask someone how they are doing in college and they say, I am passing Chem, Bio, and Physics. How so I ask? They say: I walked past each classroom without going in.   I ask: Why? The person said: I can’t stand the prof being the Head of each Department. Me, lol.


66) How a Car Salesman should be selling a Cadillac: Play the Modern Talking – Geronimo’s Cadillac song. 


67) Did Goliath who fought David make any goals? Get it gol –> goal? 


68) When you tell your dad, he can no longer shake his hips like Shakira.


69) What’s faster than a hair dryer? An airplane’s turbines. 


70) Did Thor ever go to Thorntons? 


71) Do Angels go to Los Angeles? 


72) Chem Jokes:

The world is full of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.
Protons – positive charge.
Neutrons – neutral charge.
Electrons – electric charge.
Morons – idiots or fools.
 
Then there are cations, anions, onions, captions, and minions.
Cations – positive charge.
Anions – negative charge.
Onions – when peeled will make you cry.
Captions – Subtitles for another language.

Minions – we went from liking the green aliens in Disney’s Toy Story movie to liking the yellow dudes in Dreamworks movie Despicable Me. Who else said that she was a despicable human being? Rapunzel from Disney’s Tangled. But, does she know how to rap? 


73) A man with “ER” at the end of their Last Name, does not mean they have gone to the ER which is short for Emergency Room, but rather that he is of Dutch descent. For example, Meijer is a store that was founded by the Dutch people. Another example could be like the name Timmer, timber on the other hand means for a tree to fall down after it is has been chopped down. Brouwer, instead of Bowser from Super Mario Bros. is a Last Name for a Dutch Man. 


74) A man with Last Name “EV” or “OV” could in other words be Russian.


75) There are 3 Blood Types in the world and they are A, B, and O. In the realm of science class, they do not mean Alpha, Beta, and Oregon, that is a State, organ is not only an instrument in church but also a body part, go figure. But, Blood Type O means Organic. 


76) Someone told me: “Don’t Change.” But, I was like: “”But what if I need to change clothes, what then huh? See what I did there huh huh? 


77) The juggling juggernauts were actual astronauts and argonauts who had used a perfume called Nautica. Keyword: naut. 


78) Does Tom Cruise know who Penelope Cruz is? 


79) How many keys can a monkey carry? Can he also carry Alicia Keys the singer also? 


80) How come pineapples don’t grow on pine trees? 


81) Flying Dutchmen Last Names: Deckinga, Ozinga, Hoekstra, Terpstra, Huisenga. 


82) Polish Last Names: End in “ski,” who knew they could be jet skiing or skiing down the snow slopes in mountains like James Bond in most of his movies eh? 


83) Italian Last Names end in an “I.” Examples are: Miroballi, Mussolini, Tenerelli. Most pasta names if you have noticed end in the letter “I” as well. Spaghetti, Mostaccioli, and Ravioli.


84) When someone be saying they need more ammo, does that mean they need more ammonia or ammunition? 

85) If a person has a Last Name with Raj or Patel in it, they are Indian. 


86) Did Reese Witherspoon ever eat a Reese’s Peanut Buttercup? Her name is on it. Buttercup is the name of the 3rd Powerpuff girl also. 


87) Is White Castle better than Disney Castle? 


88) Is Panda Express better than Pineapple Express the movie? 


89) Guys, I did something so bad, I can only tell you once.I used a vacuum instead of a jar to catch Spiderman’s mom.

It sucked her up and now, I don’t need to touch her anymore and get rashes.


90) Do the Russians know about Rush Hour? I mean it has their name written all over it. 


91) Did the Romans have too much romance? 


92) Why is there a yak on your yacht? 


93) When a man marries a lady from Iceland and he is from Cuba, what are her offspring called?

Or would you place them in the cooler?

Ice Cubes.

But what would be the best song to accompany them wherever they travel?

Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby
Or Frozen, Let It Go? 


94) To pretend to be a citizen of any country, just save yourself the Citizenship Test and strap a Citizen Watch on your wrist.

Problem solved.

That way for sure, no one asks where you came from.


95) Do directors follow directions? 


96) Does a man ever read a manual? 

Remember Jesus in the Bible is called Emmanuel meaning “God With Us.” 


97) Can you date a candidate? 


98) Do moles eat guacamole? 


99) Do chickens chicken out when they lay eggs? 


100) Did goats invent the goatee? 


101) Is there any irony is Iron Man is so ironic? 


102) What’s new in New York, New Mexico, New Jersey, and New Zealand? Do they give out new jerseys in New Jersey? Or New Jersey watch the show Jersey Shore? 


103) Which would you rather have? A black jaguar vehicle (car) or a black jaguar (cat)? 


104) Can I stay home to practice homeostasis? 


105) Dad: “Are you nervous?”
        Son: “No, why?”

        Dad: “You are sweating a ton because you have a nervous system built in your body.” 


106) Is it possible to hire someone to be their mannequin or queeniquin?Just simply stand there and move only when told to? 


107When you enter a courthouse, what is something you expect to see. Aside from the gavel, I was always hoping there was a sign that read: Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged, no matter how the judge appeared. 


108) Finally figured out what the Ottoman Empire must have been famous for.
They made this! 
The ottoman you can sit on!


109) Did you find your muse at the museum? 


110) If a lady marries a governor, then she is a governess isn’t she? 


111) When you tell someone to be Bold, and then they make the Font Bold. Then they tell you that is how they stay bold. 

112) I went to the Feds to feed them. 


113) When you see a dead cadaver smiling and wonder what he is smiling about. Then realize he dedicated himself for Science! 

114) The perfect song for those who don’t know they are near sighted or far sighted would be:

Titanic’s song: Near, far, wherever you are. 


115) Did people in Greece see the movie Grease? 


116) Did you find any chicks in Chicago?  


117) Can cheerleaders eat cheerios? 


118) Ladies, don’t find a man called Adam if he has the Adam’s apple, because you can’t possibly be his Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve either. Don’t forget that in the Bible Adam didn’t protect Eve. 


119) Did you honestly believe you can get toys from Toyota? 

120) When you go to Loyola University, they can teach you loyalty. 


120) If you tried saying hi to a hyena, I am pretty sure they would just laugh at you. 


121) When trying to build a wall, who are you trying to keep in and who are you trying to keep out? 


122) Can I sing in Singapore? 


123) When girls say they fell in love with a boy, I automatically think they fell at his feet. 


124) Is the stock market a place to get stockings? 


125) Student: Could you please write 2 Letters of Recommendation for me?

Teacher: No.

Student: Why no?

Teacher: NO is exactly 2 letters. 


126) What did I miss in Missouri and Mississippi? 


127) Can you be mine in Minnesota? 


128) If you need aid of any kind, Financial Aid or of any other kind, tell them you got the First Aid Kit. 


129) Can I ask any questions in Alaska or Nebraska? 


130) Do you ever get confused by Austria and Australia? 


131) Is there any difference between Arkansas and Kansas? 


132) How many Johns do I know? I know 5. 1st John, 2nd John, 3rd John, John the Disciple, and John the Baptist. Where are they located? In the New Testament of the Bible. 


133) Does Barb like barbecue, it has her name in it. 


134) When people say I am a doll, I could just as easily say that I am no Dolly Parton also. 


135) Does Christopher Columbus know about Columbus, Ohio? 


136) Is Indiana Jones still in Indiana? 


137) Illinois State shall now be called Chillinois during the winter season when it gets too cold. 


138) I don’t want anything to go viral because I don’t want to get a virus infection. 


139) So, I took a bowl and wrote on it Super, now it is called the Super Bowl. However, there is no one in it. 


140) Poured my cereal in, then the milk, and it look like a cereal killer not serial killer.


141When you put a computer mouse near a real mouse and it asks the question: Are you related to Mickey Mouse? 


142) I guess if you are a noteworthy person, you are notorious. 


143) If you were born in April, make sure no one makes a fool out of you. 


144) Forget Grey’s Anatomy, get an African Grey Parrot instead. It might give a better diagnosis if you can’t speak. 


145) Have Philippine people read Philippians in the Bible? 


146) Do diplomats earn diplomas too? 


147) School is cool and scholastic. 


148) Are agents really intelligent anymore? 


149) Mom to Son: You going on a Field Trip?

Son: Yes mom.

Mom: Okay. *Stretches out leg.*

Son trips and falls.

Mom: You can’t go on that trip if you are broke boy. You need some money to eat food there so you don’t starve first of all. 

Son: Lesson learned.


150) Judge: You know something defendant, you got to tell nothing but the truth so help you God, right?

Defendant: Yeah, but what if I am a high honor student, does that mean we are equals, your Honor?

Judge: (Grabs Gavel.) No, because I am older and have been on trial for many years myself.


151) I guess the best way to rid your home from mosquitoes is to do 1 of 2 things. 

1, you either have the AC on because they can die in that cold air and not be nasty bloodsuckers during the hot season.

2, Get yourself a mosquito bat and practice playing tennis while killing them with electric shock waves from the bat.


152) So, there is a person from Finland who marries an Irish person, what are their children called?

Finish.


153) A person from Holland marries someone from the Phillipines, what would their kids be?

Jalapenos or Pine Hollows.


154) If you go to Maine, you have to see the Mane Event. Have you also noticed that the State of Maine looks like a dinosaurs head? 


155) Do Persian people purr?


156) So, Elisha sees Elijah suddenly disappear. The song to play would be Chariots of Fire.


157) When you got a person from Poland who marries a person from Iceland, their children would be called Police.


158) Ya’ll remember the 1st missing kid case in the Bible? It happened in the New Testament.

It was when Jesus ran away from his parents to go to church.

I am sure Mary said to Joseph: You’ll never guess what Jesus did.

Joseph: What did he do?

Mary: He ran away from us and now we can’t find him.

Joseph: God is gonna be angry we lost the Son of God.

Present Day Kids be like: Mom, dad, I want to run away.

Parents: Nope, not until you are 18, nice try, sit down.


159) So you have someone from Iceland marrying a person in Greenland? What would their children be called? Wintergreen.


160) How many smiths are there?

John Smith

Blacksmith

Locksmith

Goldsmith

Smithsonian Museum


161) Did Hamlet eat an omelet?


162) When fishing, Are You For Reel?


163) The rules of the road does not apply to whom? Those who fly and don’t wait in traffic.


164) What should a Postman be afraid of? A stampede.


165) Be sure to have a seat in Seattle.


166) How many things can I wash in Washington?


167) Can you buy a ton of Dell Computers in Delaware?


168) How many roads are there in Rhode Island?


169) Go with the flow in Florida.


170) State of California looks like a frisbee.


171) Box looking states remind of the game Tetris.


172) What do cheerleaders do better than anyone else?

They cheer you up.


173) Roll a rock down a hill and you got Rock N’ Roll.


174) A trombone can’t get into treble can it?


175) When today’s kids no longer know how tall they are, so they say measure me instead of marry me.


176) A carrot getting a wedding needs a karat specialized jeweler.


177) I suppose if I ain’t Dutch, I ain’t much, right?


178) What is a good present for a squirrel? A nutcracker.


179) So, on a car’s plate, it says in the frame: “I’m tired and retired.”


180) The perfect song to play when using a microscope could be: “It’s a small world, after all.”


181) We have a K-9 Unit, how about a feline unit?


182) How is it the words Kernel and Colonel are said the same?


183) So, a person seems not responsive on the operating table. What do you do?

You take a defibrillator, shock their heart, & when they wake up, you sing: “Shock to the heart and you’re too late, you give love a bad name.”


184) I got a bone to pick with you. What kind of a bone? A wish bone.


185) When a person talks to a non-Dutch person and tells them: “If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much.” What should your response be? “I don’t think I am worth much let alone to have a price tag stuck on me.”


186) The Battle of the Bulge, must have been the belly bulge.